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Bill Gates has $54 billion! You know, Afghanistan has only $11 billion. Why doesn't Gates just buy Afghanistan and turn it into rental properties and evict bin Laden? Case solved. Tomorrow night is a big night for the show "The West Wing." It will pertain to the events in New York City but they're not saying how. See, I don't get this. Why do we keep our television plots such a big secret in this country but we can give our military plans out over CNN? A 5.0 earthquake happened in Afghanistan yesterday. Looks like God joined the coalition! You know they don't allow dancing in Afghanistan? We should send Kevin Bacon over there to do that "Footloose" thing. Bin Laden was once targeted by Clinton, but he didn't get him. We all know Clinton and the aim he has. The Taliban is starting to show some signs of compromise. Lots of the allies we are getting might be helping. They are now saying they will hand over bin Laden, but only to a third country. I know – how about Israel? Works for me! Osama bin Laden is a big man, very tall ... they say he is six-five. So that isn't a turban on his head, that's just gauze from him bumping his head on the tops of caves. Did you have a nice Columbus Day? The Taliban found out they have something in common with Columbus – today they both have discovered America! As you know, it's now the "Tali-BOOM"! We had our B-1s and B-2s, the Tomcats, all the fighters out this week. I guess we showed them that Americans aren't afraid to fly! After the bombings we are also making air drops of food and other aid. In the packages are also transistor radios. The radios came from Radio Shack, so now the Afghanistan people are trying to return them. Osama bin Laden has at least four lookalikes ... and you thought you hated your job! How does that work? Hey, Johnson, get over here, go stand on that hill while I stay in the cave. Finding bin Laden? How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go to? Do we now have caves here? Is his new Secret Service code name Waldo? You know, things are so different over there. In Afghanistan, if you commit adultery you can be stoned. Here we get stoned and commit adultery. The rock band Anthrax is complaining about bad publicity over the anthrax scare. Oh, please! Who could have foreseen it being a bad thing by naming your band Anthrax? In an interview the other day members of the rock group Anthrax admitted that right now their band name isn't the coolest. They also went on to admit that their jobs at Pizza Hut right now aren't the coolest thing either. President Bush is telling us all to return to normal lives. O.J. Simpson went on trial this week, so he's back to normal. Tensions are high right now. A Manhattan landlord is suing another man for $10 million because he called him "Osama." The strange thing is that the landlord's real name is Adolf! The Taliban says that Osama is hiding in a location where no man can find him. In a related story, NBC announced that Osama bin Laden has joined the cast of "Emeril." Layoffs are hitting the country all over. Just today Denny's laid off the guy in charge of putting hair in the food. The anthrax scare is so big that Whitney Houston will no longer open envelopes containg white powder. This week the mayor asked that everyone get back to normal. People are getting back to normal. Why, just today the mayor said it was OK to give people the finger again. Security is tight everywhere! In fact, the hookers in Times Square are now asking for two forms of I.D. The Associated Press News Service says that the Taliban has made it illegal for anyone to speak English in Afghanistan. The result is that the top movie star in Afghanistan is now Sylvester Stallone. You know, it's suddenly OK for your letters to get lost in the mail. Now I understand why they canceled the Emmys. Everyone is afraid of opening those envelopes! Not only are we dropping bombs on Afghanistan, but we're dropping food, radios, and leaflets. So you could be sitting there in the desert and all of a sudden you have breakfast, the newspaper and Howard Stern. It's like being on Long Island. A lot of businesses are hurting right now. You know, one that is booming right now, though -- the dating service industry. People come together and want to date at times like this. It makes sense -- with anthrax, herpes doesn't sound so bad at a time like this. One of Osama bin Laden's sons said in an interview that bin Laden has 42 children. That's what happens when you spend each night in a different cave and you're very religious. Last night 11 members of the Washington Redskins came in contact with a mysterious white powder -- the end zone! Disney is putting "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" out on DVD. You know where this is going to be a big hit? In Afghanistan. It features a virgin living with seven bearded guys that work in a cave. |
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