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The Postal Service is warning people not to sniff or taste their mail. Is this a big problem? Do people do that? People are still scared. Like today – whenever I get to work there is always this guy standing out by the marquee, and every day he flips me the finger. Well, today not only did he flip me the finger, but it was still trembling. Everybody is worried about this germ warfare. Today when I was walking through Central Park, I saw a squirrel spraying Lysol on its nuts. With all this anthrax, the good thing is that people aren't so concerned about secondhand smoke. How about the New York Yankees?! Mayor Giuliani, as mayor of New York, has a bet with Seattle's mayor during the playoff series. If the Yankees win, the Seattle mayor will give Mayor Giuliani a case of Washington apples. If the Mariners win, then New York will give Seattle a case of anthrax. The networks are like how-to guides for the terrorists. Like I was watching the news today and there's a reporter saying, "If you put the anthrax right here it will kill thousands, because this is not guarded from noon to 1:30." The Postal Service has received advance warning from Publishers Clearinghouse: As part of a promotion they have sent out samples of detergent in envelopes. Talk about bad timing! What's next -- ticking clocks in boxes? More and more news coming out on Osama bin Laden. He's 6'5" and has 42 children -- or, as he would be called in the NBA, a rookie! I was in the park today over lunch taking a walk. I saw this old lady on a bench with a bunch of pigeons around her and she was tossing the pigeons Cipro. Congress is acting all calm and telling us not to panic -- as they run down the steps! Since we now have to be more careful with the mail, the Postal Service is looking for more people who are biohazard handlers. I think they should ask the maids from Motel 6. In Washington, D.C., there was some good bipartisanship this week. Both Republicans and Democrats said, "Let's get the hell out!" This anthrax scare is big in D.C. In fact, today there was a congressman with his hands in his own pockets! I can't figure this out. I heard someone on the news refer to the terrorists as the "alleged terrorists" and as "the devout religious fundamentalists." Now, shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't they be the devout terrorists and the alleged religous fundamentalists? Last night the president of the National Trial Lawyers Charity -- amazing such a thing is possible -- anyway, he said that the trial lawyers were donating blood. Finally -- they are giving back what they've been sucking out of us forever! I tell you, people are a lot more cautious, too. To give you an idea how tight security is here at NBC, when Pamela Anderson came here tonight, 50 Burbank Police had to pat her down just to be on the safe side! You know what's really starting to annoy me? These people get on the Internet and they say, "Nostradamas predicted these events 600 years ago." Shut up. Everytime something happens, they go "Nostradamus was right." You know, if Nostradamas was alive today, his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 per minute. The airlines have now done away with meal service on a lot of flights. They're doing everything to get people to fly again! Well, we can't do Bush jokes anymore – he's smart now! New York City is bouncing back! Thousands of new hookers have flocked to the city to help out. Members of the Taliban are in hiding and are complaining that they are being persecuted. So, they're getting to know what it feels like to be a woman in their country. Reuters says that we should stop referring to them as terrorists, because in the minds of these people they are freedom fighters. Shut up! In the mind of a shark, I'm lunch – that still makes it a shark! They say Osama bin Laden is the richest member of the Taliban living in Afghanistan. That says a lot about your country when the richest man is living in a cave. I hear he has a summer cave he vacations to, though. Jesse Jackson may go to Afghanistan. He's been very quiet lately, which surprises me because Afghanistan and Taliban both rhyme. On ABC News they reported that bin Laden says he is prepared to die. Well, that's some good news! We want to kill him – finally, some common ground we can work on! Word was that Jesse Jackson was going to go negotiate in Afghanistan. I guess they were having problems coming up with a word that rhymes with jihad. He's not going over there now. Jackson said today, "I had no plan to go to Pakistan or Afghanistan to talk with the Taliban." President Bush has called for air marshals to be on every flight in the United States. That's a good idea. That has to be a tough job, though. Every day the lunch is bad, you see the same bad movie for a whole month, and every day they lose your luggage. Everyone is in a good spirit in New York City. Everyone is patriotic. Why, even the crack dealers are selling American flags. God bless America, everybody is chipping in. Everybody is doing their part to help. Today Martha Stewart showed how to take bin Laden out with just baking soda, pop rocks and a pine cone. |
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